My sweet boy, it has been 5 months since you left us. I'm not sure where all the time has gone. It seems as yesterday I held you in my arms. I did not know it was possible, but my love for you only continues to grow. It never dwindles or fades. My heart still aches, my lungs still struggle to help me breath, and my foundation is still unstable most of the time, but that's not important. These things are just the price I pay for loving you as much as I do and I'm okay with that. In fact, I would relive every single moment of the last five months just to hold you one more time. However, I have accepted that I can't. You, my love, have left us for a place that is better. A place that is kind, beautiful, and perfect in every way. A place I can only dream about right now.
I dreamt about you last night. You were still my precious babe and you were healthy and happy. We laid on my bed, just you and I, on a warm summers day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the summer breeze filled the air. You woke me from our nap with your gentle cooing and squirming. I looked at you and smiled as my heart was flooded with joy. I leaned over to kiss you and I whispered, "As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I felt complete and I my heart felt as though I never had experienced a single moment of heartbreak. I had the chance to know what it must be like where you are, on the other side of this life. An ancient Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, once wrote, "life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides." I never understood what that meant until now.
I like to think that time works differently where you are. I imagine you running ahead of me in the most beautiful place imaginable, and you don't even notice we haven't caught up yet. By the time you turn around to see if we are there, we will be. I will wait patiently for that day. I will search for you in my dreams from now until we meet again. My love for you will only continue to grow as it continues to shape and change who I am. My love for you is endless. My only wish now is that my love finds its way to you always.
I love and miss you aimlessly,
-Mom
"Blood from your body
has pulsed through my heart, my veins
of course I am changed."
-Stephanie Page Cole
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