The autumn leaves have all disappeared and the snow has begun to fall. It is difficult for me to think that in just 10 days we will be celebrating Thanksgiving. It's a time to break bread and proclaim our thankfulness and a time to rejoice with family and reflect on the things that really matter.
I must admit... I'm not excited and I don't feel up for much celebration. I used to be one who would become giddy as the holidays would draw near, but this year is different. Last Thanksgiving was such a sad time for my husband and I, as just weeks before I miscarried for the second time. Yet, I remained thankful... sad, but thankful. This year my pain just seems to have magnified. I am not exactly sure how I plan to navigate the holidays this year.
I know when we sit down for Thanksgiving dinner... there will be someone missing. When we decorate our tree, hang our stockings, as we travel to visit family, eat our quiche and Christmas ham, and all of our other holiday traditions... there will be someone missing. Missing from our dinner table and our circle around the tree. Missing from our arms, but not our hearts. It is going to be difficult.
I wanted to have my sweet boy here for the holidays. I wanted to share the warmth and joy of the holiday season with Silas. I pictured us lying by our tree and watching the lights twinkle, singing Christmas carols to him, and reading him stories about the holiday. I wanted to snuggle on the couch with him in the lights of our tree for midnight feedings. I wanted to keep him warm while the snow fell outside. I wanted to see my two sons loving each other's company and I wanted to relish in both of their smiling faces.
I had envisioned the holidays so differently than what it will be and who knows... maybe it will be easier than I think or maybe far worse. I will face that as it comes and embrace it as much as I can. Nonetheless, I am still thankful. I have so much to be grateful for and I will not lose sight of that. Just because I am not excited doesn't mean I am bitter, angry, not thankful, or being a Scrooge. No. It just means that I am missing someone dear to my heart and it hurts that he isn't here to experience the things that I have always enjoyed about the holiday. It saddens me that his brother and father will also be missing him. Our family will not be complete this year, or the next and it never will be again.
There will always be someone missing.
We will hang his stocking and his ornaments; we will talk about him, remember him, and give thanks because of him. I appreciate my life so much more these days. My heart is filled with a deep gratitude that I am not sure I would have if it wasn't for Silas. He reminds me to be thankful under all circumstance.
Even this one.
My heart becomes incredibly heavy when I think about all the other parents, grandparents, and siblings who are missing someone dear to their hearts. Everyone has their own way of coping and getting through times like these. Maybe you are angry, bitter, or avoidant and this makes getting through the holiday easier for you. Maybe you open yourself up and let peace and love fill your heart. Maybe you allow yourself to feel all the joy this season brings or maybe you don't and skip the holidays altogether. Maybe you painstakingly force a smile and inwardly pray for this season to be over. Whatever you need to do in order to navigate through this season... do it!
When you have a gaping hole in your heart it can be hard to see the things that we should be thankful for, but there are many. I hope that no matter what this Thanksgiving may bring you, you will count your many blessings and give thanks.
If you are missing a loved one this holiday season, my heart goes out to you. I hope that you can find a way to fill your heart with gratitude even when it seems difficult to proclaim thanks.
If your family is complete and in good health... I hope you count your blessings twice. Even when things may not be going exactly the way you had intended or you are facing challenges that seem overwhelming...
There is still so much to be thankful for.
Do NOT lose sight of that.
“Be thankful for what you have.
Your life, no matter how bad you think it is, is someone else's fairy tale.”
― Testy McTesterson
No comments :
Post a Comment