The other night I was laying down on the couch and the strangest thing started to happen. I had my hand on my stomach feeling Silas move. I do this often, but this was different. I was surrounded by darkness and complete silence. The longer I felt Silas the more I could start to make out every inch of his body. I could feel the bones in his legs and arms, his head, and even his tiny nose. I found myself in complete awe of the amount of detail I could feel. I felt so connected to him and I was certain I knew exactly what he would look like at birth. A part of me felt afraid and the other part found this experience beautiful and calming. Then I came to a point where I was feeling his tiny bones, stroking my finger over his little leg and I felt something that shook me to my core. I felt a tail. I was so confused because I knew that my precious boy couldn't possibly have a tail! I pulled myself out of the darkness and took a second look. It was a snake! A baby ball python was resting on my stomach. I quickly grabbed him and tossed him off. I stood up and looked at where I was laying only to discover another snake. I quickly became convinced there were others around me and just when I was about to start looking for them... I woke up. It was all just some beautifully twisted dream and I was so glad it was over. It was all too real and frightening for me.
For the most part the past few weeks have been enjoyable. I was having a lot of anxiety trying to find the right outfit for Silas. Most mothers can easily find a cute "take me home outfit" for their little ones, but for me this was very challenging. With the constant thought that this may be his one and only outfit, on top of the task of finding him something special, comfortable, and cute in preemie size... it was hard to find something that felt perfect, but I finally did!
This tiny grey and white stripped onesie seems so simple, but there is one small detail that made it seem perfect. There is one single red button that will rest over his heart and if there is one thing I know about our Silas, it's that he does have a strong heart. I knew it had to be his the moment I laid my eyes on it. It seems so silly that something so small (a tiny red button no bigger than a pencil eraser) brought me much needed relief.
As of late, little things have had the largest impact on me emotionally. Things like seeing that someone had shut the door to the nursery was enough to bring me to tears. While other things like the 45 minutes of intense movement from Silas on Sunday brought so much joy because he can go days with very little movement. I was lucky enough to share that special time with Karl and Ezra.
I often sit in the nursery and stare at the large mural I painted before the T18 diagnosis. I sit and wonder if Silas will get to come home and see it. I think about the joy and excitement I felt while I was painting it. The flooding of happiness I felt because we were finally going to have another baby after a long time trying to conceive followed by the pain of multiple miscarriages. I was already so in love with Silas. I have often questioned whether I would have painted it knowing the diagnosis a head of time... I would have done it again in a heartbeat! This diagnosis doesn't make me love Silas less it makes me love him more. Even though he may never see it (but I pray he does), it is just another expression of my love for him.
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